(no subject)

May. 15th, 2014 | 10:02 pm

I'll probably end up hating everyone when I'm done

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(no subject)

Apr. 18th, 2014 | 11:41 pm

still, i think most things are not worth the effort. only nowadays i ask the question after i'm done doing it... or else it would be like the old lame days where i decide in advance that everything is pointless. still lame though. i still can't escape the lameness, perhaps it is at the very core of my being. some things changed though... like how i have a few new assumptions about life... that each experience changes you in some way, and that everything - no matter how insignificant at that point of time - leads somewhere. It's the straight paths and quick answers that i don't trust anymore.

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(no subject)

Apr. 18th, 2014 | 11:38 pm

still, i think most things are not worth the effort. only nowadays i ask the question after i'm done doing it... or else it would be like the old lame days where everything seems kinda pointless. still lame though. i still can't escape the lameness, perhaps it is at the very core of my being.

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(no subject)

Mar. 19th, 2014 | 10:50 pm

"it made me feel like the floor under the urinals... the concrete pavement under the dog shit."

which is to say, you feel neutral under the situation.

99% of the time I am unhappy because of my attachment to events, thoughts and emotions that are out of my control. Even my mind is out of my control; its processes, emotions, attachments, biases, assumptions etc. but like tolle says, you are not your mind.

i'm not sure who or what exactly the self is, but at its core, its that totally neutral entity that stands in that inner mental space and watches the world and thoughts go by... all the mental reactions and emotions that arise from years of conditioning, from behaviours that are learnt over the years and from temperament bestowed upon birth.

Are these things necessarily part of the self? Are we separate from our neuroses and emotional faculties? what happens when we strip all of these away? What remains? Just the passive observer who I must believe, is capable of discretion, of distinguishing between the good processes and the bad.

tolle is german for crazy. maybe its a mad thought and i've gone crazy enough to like it

i'm not unattached to things.

the fact that i have to say any of this is proof of all the suffering going on inside this mental space.

I still believe that love is an antidote to one's neuroses. but love has always been mad attachment for myself. I've never been able to find or experience that kind of pure love, that loves but at the same time is neutral and uncaring of what comes after. does it even exist?

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(no subject)

Jan. 26th, 2014 | 10:36 pm

I'm sitting next to her at the bus stop, her silence and indifference
asking her questions about her life
and she's cold - polite and distant
then the rest of the company arrives
now she laughs and is animated with them
i listen to their talk and think objectively how boring she really is
yet the feeling of loss and alienation is there
this was the girl who was my close confidant
(even though she was a bad listener)
now she's a stranger who thinks i annoy her
we trek through the forest and i am silent while looking at her back
she's still on the fat side and wears her hair in a ponytail
think that's all i need to know about her
chapter close?

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(no subject)

Dec. 27th, 2013 | 11:33 pm

its times like this when i feel the need to engage in my petty vices. 

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(no subject)

Dec. 15th, 2013 | 09:10 pm

dorm's been smelling like we're cave men

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(no subject)

Dec. 14th, 2013 | 02:04 am

it's not here in the kessel,
but never more real than now
in its own absence
kind of like God
or light, or love, or life
and sometimes things
as simple as water and oxygen
magnified in imagination
by thirst, fatigue and despair
through smoke logged rooms
and ceilings on fire
under pitiless skies

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(no subject)

Dec. 13th, 2013 | 10:11 pm

through all of this fickleness, one could hope for something or someone who would remain true and constant. Or at least someone who likes you enough not to cancel on you if they could help it.

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holy grail

Dec. 7th, 2013 | 01:55 am

if you touch me, well i just think i'll scream
cos it's been so long, since someone challenged me
and made me think... about the way things are
...about the way they could be


I haven't been faithful to the task of recording my experiences. At times overwhelming, more often underwhelming. More often than not a burden to recall, confident in the thought that there wouldn't be anything new to gain by going over it once more. Still caught up in fantasy. The endless trying and failing and almost succeeding. The old dreams and the new. Nothing ever stays buried, all come back at an hour like this.

Saturday. Hanging around with my friend wz. We're always talking instead of actually doing something... talking about the loneliness of bachelorhood, talking about our ineptitude with the opposite sex, condemning the girls who rejected us, etc. Its the default topic that keeps cropping up whenever we run out of things to say. And yet, this is something that we can hardly do a thing about - for me because of my cowardice - and for him, his expressed lack of interest in most of the girls in his social circle.
After dinner, we ended up walking around aimlessly, I start playing games to entertain myself, rating girls and giving nearly all of them above 7, and the one girl who looked back and smiled for me a 10/10. All this to his disgust because the rating game chafes his moral scruples.

Sunday. I was sick and depressed.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I always end up praying again when I get desperate. But this time I could swear that God was listening to me. In my self centered-ness I believed that it was God who helped me through the scenario drills and my IPPT which I thought I had made gold. I have a theory though... all that sickness and weight loss made me lighter and faster and that's how I did it. So where was God? Making room for disappointment?

Thursday. The IPPT results came back. I'm told I made silver instead of gold. Apparently it was some glitch of the machines recording my 2.4km timing. My date for the night cancelled on me too, which would have been okay if I still had the consolation of getting my much needed and tried-for gold but no.  On the way home, there was the distinct feeling of leaving empty handed when it could have been such a good end to the week. Spent the night not knowing what to make of all this. Wondering if God hates me. Wondering if that's his modus operandi... helping you out of dire straits and then dropping your case right away before you can feel on top of the world.

Still on a grail quest... God, gold, girls and good times. Not sure which is real and which will last the longest. All of them seem to quit too soon.

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